Akimbo

akimbo

In part, impart

we departed toward

unknown parts

unbeknownst to most

disillusioned, disenchanted

disappointed with the loneliness

we want more

the love we lost

somewhere along the way

the lost we loved

nowhere to be found

today

it is soothing to believe

it is out there

19 drops off the ledge

and I still haven’t

fallen far enough

soul akimbo and awkward

with an alabaster sheen

and guts in between

a misbegotten toy

my love is longing

I long for love

like yours

to feel joy

I could be your real boy

I would sing and

I would dance

I would do anything

for another chance

I am disappointed with

my loneliness and akimbo

a broken stance

the love we lost

the lost we loved

twixt us two

for me and you

I do, do I

soul akimbo and shaking

close to breaking

love you

soul akimbo and awkward

misbegotten

I do

do you?

 

 

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55 thoughts on “Akimbo

  1. The grief here and the longing. That’s what spoke to me most. I am I confess, a fan of grief, because in it, is the honest voice. Oh and the redhead too because she is commonly reviled and I think that is cruel. In fact only the other day I read that redheads are more likely to get MS / Parkinson’s because of some genetic tendency, and I thought how unfair, they must hide from the sun their entire lives and endure all of that? Surely it makes them special, delicate and easy to break, like grief. Grief can teach us everything if we but listen, or it can fracture. I feel a poem like this is like scooping up all the little things most people dismiss and saying I STILL FEEL! In a world that really prefers to shove things under the carpet, we need people who are courageous enough to speak their hearts. Too often we are sated by platitude instead of truth. The truth is, people hurt us, and we burn maybe for years. I heard the other day the average grieving period for a relationship ending is 1 month and 3 months if someone dies. I thought ‘I must inhabit another universe’ as I feel I would grieve far longer than that. What does it say about us? What does it say about our priorities? That we may lament losing money more than a friend or loved one? A girl who works at a university near here, is dying and all her colleagues have known her 30 years and they are all bitching about ‘having’ to go visit her in hospice. I don’t even know her and it brought me to tears. I wish we could go to another planet (the redhead planet) and be among those who have tender hearts not brutal ones.

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    1. You know, I too explore grief. IDK if redheads are more prone to this emotion, or if we are genetically predisposed to feel more of one thing or another. It’s funny that you mention MS/Parkinsons. I’ve had neurological problems most of my adult life, and my mother has Parkinson’s. Amen that we all kowtow to platitudes instead of genuine honesty. By genuine I mean that there are ways of conveying truth without it being hurtful, which I think is where most of our fragility comes from. The jading of our society has been going on for years. Since the birth of modern media, probably during the WWII era, we are constantly bombarded with humanity’s most heinous shit. 30 mintue news cast is 3 min weather, 3 min traffic, 1 minute feel good story, 23 minutes of violence, rape, murder, etc. It’s no wonder someone else’s suffering has become an inconvenience. I find it very sad. there are many days I wish to pack a bag and move to the mountains, and leave all of the wonders of modern life behind me. It is why I was so resistant to joining social media. I have enough stress, I really do not need manufactured stress, you know? Thank you for the comment, I so very much appreciate your thoughts and opinions.

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      1. Agree w/everything you said, but add, not sure they are ‘wonders’ of the modern life, maybe the ‘wonder’ is the opposite and we have just been bedazzled? I mean sure, I wouldn’t be communicating with you if it were not for the ‘wonder’ of technology, but you know what I mean. When I moved to America I was glad for the internet because I could keep in touch with people but the strange thing was, that dropped off year by year until it hurt to see that I lost everyone whereas had the internet not existed, maybe it would have ‘ended’ more naturally, I think sometimes I agree with what people say about looking up old friends etc is not the ‘natural order’ if we really liked them back then when we were 16 (with some exception) we would have stayed in touch … I mean I know that flies in the face of those who marry old child hood sweethearts but sometimes I feel we’re doing things ‘unnaturally’ in that aspect of mixing time. I can remember when going to another country was so exotic, bringing jelly beans back to my friends in France from America – now nothing is ‘special’ like that, it’s so homogenized. Growing up my dad has red hair he was always picked on and I did not really have red hair (more boring brown) but I hennaed it red and I got picked on for being so pale skinned and not being able to tan, I hated the way I was, convinced nobody would love me, but still stuck with the red hair maybe because it went with the idea of being left-handed and ‘different’ I actually didn’t want to fit in. Like you I’m resistent to social media, little positive has come out of it (for me) mostly I feel as you say so well that it ‘manufacturers stress’ (that’s a good way of putting it) and usually makes me feel like I’m doing it all wrong. I try to think back to pre-technology, what did we do when we weren’t checking our phone right now? what would I be doing? and I find I cannot answer. I’m sure I did ‘more’ that elusive more. I admire those for example who don’t have TV’s though I need mine as it recharges me from the darkness if that makes any sense but yes I do think over-all even TV is ‘bad’ though I try to be careful what I watch. As you say, the ‘jading’ of society has been a slow process I agree even in the forties and fifties. I’m inclined to think it’s just humanity. Not saying everyone is that way, but maybe it’s our natural overall to compare and condemn. As you say others suffering becomes an inconvenience. I hope I never ever feel that way. IT seems to me the only thing of worth we have is mercy and compassion. xo

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      2. Right? Those are supposed to be our defining traits, mercy and compassion, hope, love. And trust me when I say wonders, I was being facetious lol. I’m not sure where I stand on reconnecting with people. I think it is a natural defense mechanism to lose touch with people who are no longer in your everyday routine. We are creatures of routine, and if something is outside of your day to day, you tend to begin to think about it less and less. I’m not psychiatrist though, it’s just my theory. I know of some people my age who have reconnected with old girlfriend/boyfriend and are very happy after some failed relationships. I agree that it is unnatural. I feel like as many ways as I have to be in touch with people, I seem to communicate with them less and less. Irony. I know I used to read a hell of a lot more than I do today. And I spent much more time outdoors. There is some quality TV out there, the thought provoking edgy well written stuff. For me it’s like a good book. I don;t keep up with much though
        Peace my friend xoxo

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      3. Exactly that’s how I feel about TV also I love some of the really well made shows, they are every bit as good as a book. I am glad you spend more time outdoors, that’s how it should be. I am yet to do that because I have no friends where I live and I find it hard going out by myself – but I know that’s an excuse and I should. Do you cycle or walk? I used to walk everywhere and cycle a bit (never loved cycling just found it easier in the city) since moving to TX I don’t walk much because of the heat and I never cycle. Mostly I find the countryside doesn’t inspire me enough and I feel a bit unsafe but again, those are excuses. I do think it helps to get out more and more and spend less time at the desk (she says, typing away to you from her desk) (you know what I mean though!). Being an introvert give me a book over a crowd of people any day, that said, I miss the closeness of a good friend, but I find people get busy as you say and their immediate circle matters more to them than a friend on the whole with the exception of church friends and I don’t do church.

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      4. I walk and cycle, but not as much as I should. You have a great place to walk, just go down to the river! Also, there are amazing places to hike around Austin. Zilker park, the Drag, enchanted Rock, Guadalupe River. The hill country is awesome. Early morning and late evening best time in Texas to get outside. Church here is a good way to meet people. We don’t church either though. Bad history. Idk if you are Christian, look into the Quaker services, they’re really good experience and open honest worship. Or local Buddhist temple?

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      5. I have been to Enchanted Rock it’s lovely there. True. I’ll try a few places more. Not into the Riverwalk I was attacked there the first year I arrived, bit leery about downtown in general not very safe, I know I sound hysterical but maybe once you’ve experienced it, you are. I do like the Quakers if anyone is ‘fair minded’ and balanced I’d say they were. I once went to the old Quaker church the original one in London it is circular and really amazing. Cycling is picking up here a bit but not as much as in Austin. Of course Lance crushed a few people’s dreams with that, I recall being in the rally and shaking his hand, I still admire him despite what happened, for two reasons, one, my fellow French countrymen were gunning for him out of mean spiritedness long before he was ‘found’ guilty of anything and second, even cheating given that so many did, I feel he still won of sorts, especially given that he had been so very sick as a young man. I suppose I’m making excuses for him but I felt so thrilled at his victories so I decide to retain that πŸ™‚

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      6. i was a Lance fan as well. I understand why he did what he did, but it was disappointing. So sorry about what happened to you on the Riverwalk, that sucks royally. I think if you do not mind travelling a bit, you will find more to do in safer environs up Austin way.

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      7. Yes Austin is probably safer, it’s really changed in the last ten years though I preferred when it was ‘weird’ than the incarnation now, which is more ‘high income bracket’ though there are some good restaurants πŸ˜‰

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      8. O please do not get me started…I grew up in the Austin area, and could not be more disgusted with the Silicon Valley transplants who have really mucked up one of the coolest places in Texas

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      9. Right? Oh go on get started! I think people should be more outraged about it! I LOVED Austin I mean I would have totally lived there in a heartbeat – used to go up nearly every week. Totally cool. Very learned and open and free and then WHAM total change and transformation. We’re only 60 miles apart but it’s like 500 miles. But they’re trying to do it here too. The whole speculation of land/property thing is really cutting up the beauty but nobody does anything to stop it and everyone votes on maddening bonds for more and more. I guess I hadn’t ever starkly seen it happen before my very eyes before, but in a mere ten years Austin became unrecognizable. Some would say I’m just a ludite but it’s not that, it’s that they’ve totally priced out the ordinary man and the minorities who now live on the fringes and instead we’ve got transplants from everywhere with loads of cash building high rises. Just very sad. I miss the seedy sixth street days where you could moozy around and feel like you were in a bad movie πŸ˜‰

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      10. no shit! And those fuckers move to THE LOUDEST STREET IN THE WORLD cause its cool, then realize oh fuck, its so loud I can’t sleep, and then pass laws to keep it from being 6th St!!!! I mean, who in the fuck does that? MORONS, I still get mailboxing bashing angry over that shit

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      11. Right? I was so disturbed to see all the freaky places either gentrify or DIE. First there was the quinticential Ruta Maya on S. Congress, with all the weird music hippie yoga mash-up and that died a death to be replaced by … wait for it …. a strip joint a university (private) and a long row of apartments starting at $400! ARGH! Then there was Sol y la luna that lost the plot and lest we forget, the tapas bar and KATZ delli both now gone in favor of chains and posh-eateries that would be better suited to NYC. Sigh. I too feel like mailboxbashing πŸ˜‰

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      12. SA is more tex-mex. The best food i’ve had in TX is El Paso because it’s real Mexican. As for other nationalities then probably Houston because it’s the most diverse. The food in SA is actually pretty disappointing but we’re beginning to get some alternatives as the NY’ers and the California’s move on in en mass

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      1. On the MS thing I did read that it’s not genetic per say but it can run in ‘tendencies’ based upon what they know of inherited DNA and how certain strands can be more easily corrupted. Meaning when they did twin studies they showed even identical twins only had a 30 percent chance of developing MS if the other did, so some is absolutely not bound or doomed, but rather epigenetic and about what we come into contact with. I reckon the reason they still don’t have good answers is because it’s caused by more than one thing, an amalgamation of factors that have to come together to ‘switch’ it on, and yes, anglos of Irish/English/Danish/Viking extraction are most at risk but it shows if you move somewhere else before puberty that is hot it reduces your risk (although after puberty it remains the same). Makes sense. Scotland and Canada have the highest MS aside Denmark and parts of old Viking countries. But weirdly there is a huge proliferation in Cypress and a island off Italy so something else is also happening aside environment. I did read redheads are more predisposed to Melanoma because they have no protection against it, so maybe they’re slightly more predisposed to anything that corrupts existing DNA but that said, they live as long as anyone else (my great grandmother lived to 100 and she was a flamer) so all is not lost. I don’t much appreciate how England viewed/views redheads, at least here in America they are considered beautiful and rare, but in England they have that whole Gingerism thing and it’s bordering on racism to be honest. More redheads are left-handed also (I am too) I find all that stuff really perplexing and fascinating as you can tell πŸ˜‰ (sorry for hijacking your page with my blah and blah!)

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      2. No worries, I enjoy good conversation. We are double whammied because we are Danish/Irish. English bias to redheads i believe comes from one, the Vikings who ransacked the coasts for years, and two Irish were(are?) considered 2nd class citizens. It is shameful. I find it amusing that you feel the same way I do about redheads. I have often half jokingly told my friends i was going to start a coalition against the discrimination vs.s gingers! LOL

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      3. But WHAT A LEGACY to be Danish/Irish that’s an awesome genetic pool. I for one happen to think the Danish are some of the nicest people around and the most attractive. Yes you’re right about the English, as in Ireland redhair is prized, as with Denmark. For the most part many people with your ancestry do not get sick and are actually very hardy and strong, after all Vikings? Hello? I am watching The Vikings on The History Channel it’s done very well (gets a bit hokey toward the end) absolutely up for being a Shield Maiden! Agreed, a friend of mine who is Irish has taught me a lot about the Englishes hate of the Irish and their mistreatment in all ways. Shameful is right. I did see many ginger-haired folk treated badly when I lived in England (not in France though) and felt very angry about it, how is it that you can say awful things about a group of people and that not be at very least discrimination and truly I believe racism in a sense. Some redheads actually killed themselves because of it. I’m really glad to see this isn’t prevelant here in the US where redhair is prized. I get picked on for having very light skin though in SA where everyone is quite tan or Hispanic/Black – but such is life. Let’s do it!

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      4. My mother’s side of the family says our bloodline can be traced back to Leif Ericcson. I’m not sure if it’s true, but it is cool to believe in! Would explain where we get our tempers from, lol! I tried to watch Vikings, but it just didn;t hold my interest, which is sad because I will watch almost anything about Vikings. Redheads Against Discrimination, or R.A.D. πŸ˜‰

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      5. Good grief. I wouldn’t care if it were true I’d run with that all the damn way! No seriously you should find out for sure, and then get the t-shirts printed. Start a cult, start a collective, start a Viking rebellion. I mean who needs anything else c’ept a legacy that rich? It would make cool look ordinary! I do agree tempers and redheads may hold some partial truth my dad’s a firecracker. RAD. I love it! I laughed so much! That’s so funny.

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  2. I so enjoyed your conversation with Candice. I love the comment section πŸ™‚
    My grandmother was a redhead and had Danish blood. My mother was disappointed I wasn’t born a redhead! Ha I remind her my temper isn’t as bad as hers was. πŸ™‚ I’ve always been captivated by the beauty of it as well.
    I love Texas. I visited Austin about 24 years ago and fell in love with it. Same with SA. I loved the Riverwalk, I’m so sad you had a bad experience there Candice. Have been to El Paso too, about 17 years ago and so loved that as well.
    I have a sister in law in Houston, we were just there in December. We like to fly the direct route from Sydney to Dallas, avoiding LA, which is so much better.
    I wish I had more time right now to say more, but thanks for this wonderful post!

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    1. I am a happy lurker as well. My maternal grandmother (family is from Naples where Italians tend to be fairer) and paternal grandmother, aunt and cousins (English and Scottish) were all red heads and I have always been very disappointed that I was not a red head. I certainly have the light skin and eyes. And of course, I work in neurological research so I am very interested in all the discussion above. Pardon me for barging in.

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